For Guys – How To Get Laid On Ashley Madison

Ok, I’m not an expert on dating advice, and I don’t really have the holy grail on getting laid on Ashley Madison. But I’ve been on there for some time, so I thought I’ll give you guys a glimpse at the other side and maybe you’ll understand why you never heard back from that hot chick you winked 28 times.

First, here’s a look at my inbox less than 4 days after clearing out all messages:
Ashley Madison female inbox after 3 days

In case you can’t quite tell – that’s 844 messages, 196 winks. Yeah, I was shocked, too.

As you can see, messages trickle in almost every other minute (times are local to the sender). Because one inbox page only shows ten messages, I’d have to go through 85 pages just to see them all. I’m not gonna do that. So, chances are, if you messaged me yesterday or even just a few hours ago, I won’t even see your email. What to do? Here are my tips:

No Collect Message

See that “Collect Message” there? Do you really expect me to accept a collect mail when I have my inbox bursting at the seams with other guys? You’d have to be Brad Pitt for me to pay for collect. And I doubt he’d be so cheap to make me. But that profile there was com­plete­ly empty – no description, no preferences, no picture! Lefty really got nothing right. Douchebag.

Look, I’m not a gold digger and if we meet, I won’t expect you to pay for my coffee. In fact, if I like you, I may even pay for yours. And that’s the key – if I like you. I won’t pay for your message when I have no clue who you are. And even if your profile shows a Mr. Perfect, I’d wonder how Mr. Perfect can be so cheap. In short: Don’t do it.

The Name Of The Game

Your user name, that is. There really are only three things to see when I scan over those messages: picture, name and the subject line. You see how important that moniker becomes? Choose one that makes me want to click to your profile – something about you or something funny. “TallTexan” is pretty good, but what the hell is “twiz36″? No idea… next!

It’s a fine line though between “funny” and “trying too hard”. If your friends never sang the praises of your unfailing sense of light-hearted humor, stick with something descriptive. Oh, and btw, anything alluding to the size of your custard launcher is about as appealing as Bob the Flasher flaunting his junk at the street corner.

So next, as described in my full Ashley Madison review, I use the filter to whittle that deluge of showcase keys down to something more meaningful. This is what it looks like with custom messages only:
Ashley Madison filtered female inbox

51 messages, much better. I may actually have a quick glance over all six pages. But I’ll only open a few. Which ones? Have a look at that list again. You go:

“Hi”, “Hello”, “hey”, “hi…”

I go: “Skip, skip, skip …”
Seriously, is that the best you can come up with? Remember: picture, name and subject. You can’t afford to waste any of those to make that first connection and I’d say your subject line is the most important. See the one I responded to? It said: “Sending a warm smile on this snowy day”. Not the best, but it was nice and literally stood out because it’s simply much longer than all the “Hi”s.

What always catches my attention is an opening line that shows you actually read my profile and refers to something in there. Something witty works great too, if you have a gift with words.

What I really don’t like are subjects with a sugar daddy proposal. It’s pretty clear from my profile that I don’t need or want anybody to pay for me and to imply that I could be a glorified hooker is just annoying to put it mildly. I’m sure there are some “sugar babes” on Ashley Madison, who might be looking for such an arrangement. But at least make sure you’re propositioning the right person. Or, even better, go to

So what’s next in our trinity? Right…

The Picture

Gotta have a picture. Women are visual, too! I understand the need for privacy on this site, but as you see above, a pic will help you break through the clutter like a VIP at the night club line. And there are all sorts of things you can do without revealing who you are.

You see, the other main reason why I chose to respond to Mr. Warm Smile, was his picture – a well-dressed man in front of a foreign landmark – I found that intriguing enough to click.

That’s another hint, right there. Groomed and well-dressed works much better than your naked torso in the bathroom mirror. Even though Ashley Madison is a hook-up website, you wouldn’t walk into your local meat market naked either, would you? A woman still wants to be wooed and that starts with decent clothes.

If you really don’t want to put up any public picture, at the very least have some in your private showcase and attach a key directly to your message.

Your Profile

You absolutely need a good profile. In fact, oftentimes, esp. when you send me a priority message where you will get confirmation when I open it, I’ll check out your profile before I even read your email! If all I see there are those check mark preferences, I’ll usually move right along to the next guy.

So what to write? Avoid boring worn-out phrases like “I like to laugh.” Ever met anyone who doesn’t like to laugh? Again, avoid graphic descriptions of your manhood. I know you’re very proud of it, but that will come later. Write a story, something funny, show that you’re not taking yourself too seriously. Show, don’t tell. Instead of saying you’re humorous, tell me an episode that shows you are. Make me wanna keep reading, make me curious about the person behind this.

But by all means, don’t use this as a place to vent about your other half. No matter how frustrated you are, I want to meet an upbeat man, not a whiner who drags me down.

What Else?

Priority Messages
Those are the shaded and flagged ones in the first screen shot. Good idea? Bad idea? I’d give it thumbs up. In the beginning I looked down on them a bit, like “How desperate are those guys?” But since I don’t log in every day and with the volume of email that accumulates, I realize they’re a great way to keep your message from disappearing to page 23 of my inbox where I’ll never see it.

If you prefer not to be too in-your-face with a priority message, you gotta play the clock to make sure your message is near the top of the heap when I check my inbox. So don’t message a girl who hasn’t been online in a while. Who knows when she’ll be back. By then your email will be buried.

Instead look for women “online now” and write them right away. If you have set your eyes on a particular lady, add her to your favorites and activate “Favorite Member Login” in your account contact options. You will get an email when your sweetheart logs in. When you get that email, move quickly! If you need some time to compose your masterpiece of an introduction, then do it beforehand and save it on your computer. When she comes on, paste and send.

You noticed I haven’t mentioned them? There’s a reason for that: they’re pretty much useless. See how they are all sorted into their own tab? That tab may as well not be there; I never look at it.

Choose wisely
Of course every guy wants to score a hottie. What do you do? You look for the hottest picture, of course, right? Well, genius, unfortunately you’re not the only one with this great idea. It’s very simple: more attractive = more emails = the choosier she can be. Unless you’re confident you can stand out, why make it harder to yourself? Remember how you were reluctant to put up your picture? So are women, maybe even more so. There are still many pearls among those without public picture, your competition will be much less intense and your response rate will go through the roof.

Single guys
I guess, somehow a “cheating housewife” is every guy’s dream. I always wondered why there are singles on an adultery site. Here’s what Ashley Madison says:

“If you are single and wish to meet an attached person, you’re probably going to have to try a little harder. Single people don’t have as much to risk and you may find some attached people unwilling to take a risk with you. People in relationships may feel that you have an upper-hand and that you may not be sympathetic to their circumstances. Take your time to build an additional level of trust with attached people you wish to meet.”


This should get you the “foot in the door”, i.e. have me read your email and check out your profile. At this point you already cut out all the riffraff – 90% of your competition. Where will it go from here? Will you ignite my fantasy? Will you get me to reply… and more than once?

I can’t write like a man, but let me tell you about Mark, one of the guys I met through Ashley Madison. He had an amazing way to keep me on the edge of my seat with his emails and had I come across his profile first, I’d have written him myself. When I met up with him, I complimented Mark and he smiled and admitted that he’d had some “training”. He used this material, which shows how to set up a hot profile, choose a tempting picture and write engaging messages that just need to be replied to. What can I say, it worked for him, maybe you should check it out too!

That’s it, now stop reading and start doing!

Tagged : Ashley Madison, For guys, Hook-up, Online dating, Profile

13 Responses to “For Guys – How To Get Laid On Ashley Madison”

  1. [...] anything missing? Winks? Pokes? Nudges? Nada. Not that I miss that feature much, but some do. Too bad. Married Date Link doesn’t have [...]

  2. [...] is a trick I already wrote in my Ashley Madison tips for guys. If you want to catch a member who receives a lot of mail, write when she is online so that your [...]

  3. John Alcala says:

    Very nice, my dear lady. Way to go. Or, “good lookin’ out” as my kids would say.

  4. The Life Explorer says:

    Hello Michelle,
    I wanted to thank you for your insightful and articulate “best practices” on Ashley Madison overview. I’m a university professor and I have become fascinated with the dynamics of human behavior on Ashley Madison. Even though my academic area of interest is not social behavior, I have seriously considered launching a research project based on your article. I hope that you will take the time to look at my profile thelifeexplorer profile #: 7867672 and provide me with some critical feedback. I have a very public persona at a major research university and as such I must be discreet. (ie: no public picture) Alas, I have no choice. I hope to hear from you.



  5. sonofzeus says:

    thanks so much for this perspective. It is so important for us (guys).
    Your generosity is greatly appreciated. Your writing style is clear and clean.
    I’ve had no luck on this (AM) or any other site (!) I think this’ll help.

  6. Mr. Edward Lewis says:


    Great blog and advice. I was wondering if adding a non-Ash Mad email to a message helps. I’m reluctant to do it until I know that the women is real. Do people do it to get away from AM or better to stay within AM?


  7. Doug says:


    I have been on the AM site for several years now and spent hundreds of dollars now on it. I only got laid ONE time from it.
    I send messages that never get replied to. I wonder if you can view my profile? My handle name right now is MatureConfidentOne4U
    I am in Virginia.
    Please look over my profile and my photos and send me advice!


  8. ColorsOutsideTheLine says:

    On email “subject” line, you should note that there is no Subject on AM mail like a regular email, it is the first few words of your message that show in the woman’s inbox. That makes it a little strange because normally when writing someone new you want to start off with some sort of salutation but as you point out, those are valuable words to differentiate your email from the masses so use them well!

  9. I did find your advice helpful, and initially did believe I had followed most of your steps My wife is on this site too (obviously an open relationship) and she of course gets buried with winks and messages. As your advice directs, so did she. She told me what attracted her to respond and messages that got her attention and made her respond. I believe age has a lot to do with guys getting responses. My wife is 50 and gets hit on by 35-60 year olds. I am 65 and feel and look younger but I don’t think that helps. Although I don’t want to call them cougars, most of them are looking for younger. I didn’t want to lie about my age, and I have even searched for women my age and slightly older but NO RESPONSES. I am thinking of changing my name from DISTINGUISHED to DISAPPOINTED.

  10. Igor says:

    From a man’s perspective, this is good information but I do have one complaint. As you clearly know, there are many more men than women, if I were to send a message to every profile near me I would run out of credits in the first day. This is a very expensive site. If you can ignore your winks because you have many messages, good for you, but don’t dismiss them as useless and bad strategy. For non rich men winks are the way to go, and a replied wink is green light for message.

  11. John says:

    You’re a woman. Sorry. It makes more sense. Men don’t get that many responses. Not even close.

    I have had a couple hook-ups and they were hot! I really enjoyed them.

    Can you tell me anything else to help me speed up the getting laid process?

  12. rob says:

    To be clear, we are talking about what married men can do to hook up with the author?

    • Michelle says:

      Haha, the suggestions I offered are not strictly to hook up with *me*, but they will make guys more successful with women on dating sites in general. A lot of it should be common sense, if you think about it. Whether anyone will get to meet me, depends on a lot of other things as well. I’m picky! ;-)

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